Right now I feel frightened as I am afraid to dissapoint you and myself.
"Alma, can I even draw anymore?"
"Sure you can."
"I haven't even tried - for real - in ages."
"You'll do great."
"I'm so scared."
"You'll be fine."
We were talking like that for probably ten minutes. Sorry Alma.
I feel giddy because I am lucky to have a sweet husband who takes care of our child so I can paint even though we don't know if we will get enough money. He's great like that. He stays with his job so he can provide for Juni and me, and sometimes tell me he will be happy when I make it big. What a supporting man.
Also scares the hell out of me because I really really want this for all of us, and the last thing I want is my life to be some kind of failed art experiment. I also feel strong because I have broken free from the chains of employment. Took me a while to connect the brain and ignore the lack of spine to actually take the leap. Was saved by the bell and got fired instead (due to bad times for the company not because I was a slacker). To some work IS a freedom, a social thing, or a good money-thing. To me it was an ulcer and lack of periods and migraine attacks.
I tell myself I got sick because I'm awesome, not because I'm frail; my genious mind (remember; stuff I tell myself not stuff I consider to be true) can not be trapped in someone else's world it wants to do it's own thing. And if I can continue to make money it will be proof enough I was right. And if I don't make money I will tell myself it was circumstances that made all that shit and go get another job to pay my bills.
But here I am... Floating mid air... How? Oh! but I'm a ghost I can float you see. I'll make everything work out and this is not scary at all. Or hazardous.
I have coffee to drink now so I'll leave you all for now... I've been up since 3:30 because it was so hot all night, got to love Swedish summer but sometimes it exaggerate a little methink... But at least I started to answer some comments that was over a year old. I'm sorry for the late reply.
I'm here now.
